So Real
by autumn midnights
Summary: The McKinnons are dead, and the war is truly taking a toll on Sirius and Remus. Wolfstar-ish. Rated T for themes and a bit of language.


_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. (I'm so tired that I actually started to write 'I don't own Sirius/Remus'. Oh, well. That's also true, I suppose.) I also don't own the song lyrics used at the end. _

_Author's Note: This didn't turn out as romance-y and slash-y as I had originally intended, but oh well - I'm still pretty happy with the result. Warning for off-screen character deaths. Set in early 1981. _

_Written for the lovely teddylupin-snape, courtesy of the Gift-Giving Extravaganza 2014. I hope you enjoy it, and I'm sorry for the lateness!_

_Also written for the Hunger Games Competition II over on HPFC. Very vaguely used the 'You're not weak, just because your heart feels so heavy' quote as inspiration somewhere in the middle section. _

* * *

><p>Sirius looks angry as he steps inside the door.<p>

Remus watches him from the couch. Sirius practically throws his cloak over the coat rack; it starts to fall, and he catches it smoothly with one hand, slamming it back into place. His hair is dripping wet from the rain, and he shakes it out (_just like a dog_, Remus thinks with a flicker of amusement) as he sits down besides Remus.

"What's going on?" Remus asks, sipping his tea. His transformation was the previous night, and as a result he's been excused from Order duties for a couple of days as he recovers. His body still aches from the stress; he really doesn't want to move more than a few inches in any direction, so it's probably a good thing that he hasn't been assigned to a mission today or tomorrow. If getting from the couch to the loo is a struggle, chasing Death Eaters sounds downright impossible.

"The McKinnons are dead," Sirius says harshly. "Bloody Death Eaters."

Remus stares at Sirius, his mouth open in disbelief. "The McKinnons - not _all -_"

Sirius nods. He looks as if he's about to explode. His lean body is shaking with fury, his hands clenched tightly into fists. Remus can tell he's trying to keep it together. "Every last one of them," Sirius says through clenched teeth. "Marlene, Earl, and the kids. _And _her parents and brother."

Remus's eyes well up with tears. Seven people dead - two of them under the age of five. It's such senseless, needless violence, and he can't understand how anybody can take innocent human lives without remorse, without hesitation. And to kill the children - what purpose would that even serve? Fulfilling some Death Eater's sick, twisted fantasy?

He feels as though he's about to throw up. He's seen violence before - being a werewolf and an Order member isn't exactly a nonviolent position in life - but that doesn't mean he's fully used to it, doesn't mean he's completely hardened to everything. He's not like Sirius, who channels any sadness he has into rage. "Oh, Merlin," he whispers, just to say something, anything. "When?"

"Earlier today," Sirius says. Remus knows him well enough to hear the undercurrent of anger in his voice; Sirius isn't about to calm down anytime soon. Sirius's eyes flash as he continues. "They had all gone to Marlene's house. It was her daughter's fourth birthday, so they were all there."

A tear does leak out of Remus's eye at that knowledge, and he harshly wipes it away. He hates crying, especially in front of Sirius. He loves Sirius, trusts him fully, but still hates being so weak, so vulnerable in front of him. It's bad enough that Sirius sees him post-transformation, naked and bleeding and in agony. Sirius doesn't need to see him being a crybaby as well.

Sirius reaches out, pulls Remus's hand away from his face. "You know it's okay, right?" he says, his voice gentler now. Remus knows he's the one person that truly sees Sirius's soft side. "You can cry if you need to. I won't think less of you. Believe me, I wasn't staring at that scene with dry eyes."

"You _saw _it?" Remus gapes at Sirius for a moment, tears momentarily forgotten. "Oh, Merlin, Sirius, I'm so sorry."

Sirius's eyes look haunted. "It was awful," he says, staring past Remus. "You know, when I joined the Order...I didn't think it would be like this. I thought it would be..." He shakes his head. "I don't even know. Glamorous? Exciting? I didn't realize how goddamn real it all is. I didn't think I'd see-" He lets the sentence trail off, his eyes darker than usual. Remus doesn't press for details; he doesn't want to know.

He pulls Sirius into him. The motion sends flares of pain up and down his arms, but he ignores the pain, focusing entirely on Sirius. Under his robes, Sirius is tense, his muscles coiled like he's ready to spring. Remus has to concentrate to remember the last time he saw Sirius relaxed and happy; it's been a long time. Sirius is right - this war is real, far more real than any of them could have imagined a few years ago. Joining the Order right out of Hogwarts had probably been a stupid decision. They had been nothing more than idealist children who thought that this was a high-stakes game. They had been stupid, plain and simple.

He doesn't regret joining the Order - doesn't regret fighting for what he believes in - but he wishes that he had waited just a little longer. He wishes he - and Sirius - had fully understood what they were getting themselves into before they jumped straight into the middle of it.

Remus holds Sirius, and Sirius holds him, and for a while they just stay like that. Remus isn't even sure who's comforting who anymore; he feels a bit of wetness on his shoulder from Sirius's tears, and he can feel his own tears rolling down his face, probably falling into Sirius's hair. Not for the first time, he feels scared and overwhelmed. He's just a kid - they both are. Barely even twenty-one, and they're fighting a war.

This can't end well. Even if the Order wins the war tomorrow - even if Voldemort surrenders and dies - they've all lost too much. They've all lost too many people for this to be a happy ending for anybody.

Remus lies there on the couch with Sirius.

He hopes and prays that even if they don't get their fairytale happy ending - even if the chances of that were gone many years ago - then at least they get an ending together.

At that moment, that is all he wants.

* * *

><p><em>No, it's not our paradise<em>

_But it's all we want_

_And it's all we're fighting for_

_Though it's not paradise_

'Paradise (What About Us)' - Within Temptation ft. Tarja Turunen


End file.
